Thinking of traveling to Italy? Has a visit there been on your bucket list, something you’ve been dreaming of for years?

What a TERRIBLE idea. Let me tell you why you should just save you money and stay home.

1. Food

The food in Italy is terrible, you can’t find real spaghetti and meatballs anywhere or get anyone to serve you cheesy garlic bread. Hawaiian pizza? Not a chance. Don’t even bother following this Instagram account either.

2. Wine

Wine is Italy completely overrated and they always worry about pairing with your food correctly. What a waste of time, just give me my white zin and an ice cube.

3. Coffee

What’s the deal with Italians’ little shot of espresso? And those cappucinos? Gross. Totally bland. You can’t even find a caramel frappuccino anywhere. No one has a drive-thru line and there is only ONE Starbucks in the country.

4. Gelato

I don’t know what the big fuss is about gelato. The flavors are disgusting. Who wants to eat pistachio and hazelnut? You can’t even get liquid marshmallow topping or Blizzards.

5. Dinner

As if the food isn’t bad enough, dinner service doesn’t start until 7.30 and night and usually takes hours. When you are seated, that is your table for the night. The night? I just want to hurry up and eat so I can go home and watch Netflix.

6. Passeggiata

Part of the problem is this weird tradition called passeggiata. In the early evening, everybody just slowly walks around town talking to each other and having a drink or gelato. The whole thing is a waste of time and makes dinner start too late.

See what I am saying? Italy is a terrible idea, and I’m just getting started. For those stubborn readers still dreaming of Italy, you might as well join me on 23-day journey through Italy (top to bottom) via email. The event is free to join and it is going to be TERRIBLE. Sign-up here.

7. Bells

Waking up to the sound of church bells is the worst way to start the day, especially after getting to bed late because everyone is so slow at dinner.

8. People

The Italian people don’t make the experience any better. They are always talking super loud and waving their hands around. Don’t ask them a question, they will want to help you. They might even try and kiss your checks if you become friends. Gross.

9. Beaches

There are beaches all over Italy and they are a mess. Sand everywhere, some of them are even secret. They actually rent beach chairs by the day, but who wants to relax that long. Waste of time.

10. Hiking

You can hike all around Italy, along the coast and in the mountains. Even in the Tuscan countryside through vineyards. But who would want to do that on vacation?

11. Landscape

This is the worst part of Italy, the landscape is never the same. Mountains, coast, hills, lakes and countryside. Make up your mind.

12. Villages

Little towns and villages are all across Italy, some of them are so small you could drive by them in a blink of an eye. How boring.

13. Ruins

I swear, everywhere I look there is some run down ancient ruin. I wish they would just clean up these piles of rubble, they can’t be that important.

14. Trains

You can get almost anywhere in Italy by train, but who wants to do that? I’d rather drive my car everywhere just like back home.

15. Pasta

There are about a zillion different kinds of pasta and Italians get all anxious if you eat the wrong kind with the wrong sauce. You can’t even add Parmesan if they don’t serve it to you. Worse yet, most of it is made by hand. They don’t even process it.

16. Piazza Life

The piazza is the focal point of every town, big cities have lots of separate areas. You can find anything you need within walking distance of the piazza. Except a Costco or Walmart.

17. Dolce far niente

This Italian phrase means the sweetness of doing nothing. What the hell does that mean anyway? How can you enjoy yourself in Italy while doing absolutely nothing?

As you can see, going to Italy is a really big mistake.

For those of you that are still dreaming of Italy, join me on a 23-day journey through Italy (top to bottom) via email. The event is free to join and it is going to be TERRIBLE. Sign-up here.

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